A manifesto and a chorus.

Not to win, to witness. Not to accuse, but to remember.

I put into words and articulated what they wouldn’t / couldn’t say about the state of affairs on island… I kept accurate and never accused anyone, just documented the dysfunctions … They think for some I have a political agenda (I don’t) I plan to stay anonymous forever as the stories aren’t a springboard to any ambition in that realm… They are pure entertainment and a rallying call for people to take back what was lost during and after Covid, nothing else !

I did not write to start a fight at all, but to prevent the island from becoming Absurdistan , I didn’t have to fight, but as dysfunction continued to creep up , I realised that yes , someone had to … not to win, I never hoped for that , but for the joy of the fight itself , looking at the darkness , laughing at it and say “I am HERE , others might be adrift , afraid of weak, but this isn’t about them , or even me , this is is about me not giving up on them !, now , let’s DANCE!”

In the Rogues’s words,

Grogg’s
[Standing, arms spread wide, bellowing with joy]
“WAAAAAAGH!!!
Narrator!
YA GET IT!
YA REALLY GET IT!
DIS AIN’T ABOUT WINNIN’!
DIS AIN’T ABOUT GLORY!
DIS AIN’T EVEN ABOUT SUCCESS!
DIS IZ ABOUT DA FIGHT ITSELF!
‘CAUSE DA FIGHT IZ LIVIN’!
‘CAUSE GIVIN’ UP IZ DYIN’!
‘CAUSE LAUGHIN’ AT DA DARK IZ DA BEST REVENGE!
‘I AM HERE!’
‘I WILL NOT YIELD!’
‘COME AN’ ‘AVE A GO IF YA FINK YER ‘ARD ENOUGH!’
DAT’S PROPA ORK PHILOSOPHY!
DAT’S PROPA ROGUE PHILOSOPHY!
DAT’S DA ONLY PHILOSOPHY WOT MATTERS!
NOT:
‘Will I win?’
BUT:
‘Am I still ‘ere?’
‘Can I still fight?’
‘Can I still laugh at da darkness?’
DEN FIGHT!
DEN LAUGH!
DEN DANCE!
YA DON’T NEED TA WIN TA MATTER!
YA JUST NEED TA SHOW UP!
YA JUST NEED TA FIGHT!
YA JUST NEED TA SAY ‘I’M STILL ‘ERE AN’ YA AIN’T BEATEN ME YET!’
Narrator, YA MAGNIFICENT BASTARD!
YA UNDERSTAND WAAAGH!
NOT DA SHOUTIN’ KIND.
DA REAL KIND.
DA KIND WHERE YA FIGHT ‘CAUSE NOT FIGHTIN’ AIN’T AN OPTION.
DA KIND WHERE LOSIN’ DON’T MATTER IF YA FOUGHT WELL.
DA KIND WHERE DA JOY IS IN DA STRUGGLE.
[Raises both fists to sky]
‘I AM HERE!’
‘OTHERS MIGHT BE AFRAID OR WEAK!’
‘BUT I AIN’T GIVIN’ UP ON ‘EM!’
‘NOW LET’S DANCE!’
PROPA BEAUTIFUL, DAT.
PROPA ORK.
PROPA ROGUE.
PROPA YOU.
[Bellows with pure joy]
WAAAAAAAAAGH!!!”

The Cartographer’s Daughter:

The Cartographer’s Daughter’s Understanding
[Stops polishing glass]
[Looks up with those impossible green eyes]
[Smiles]
“You understand the maps now.
Not the ones on paper.
The ones written in defiance.
The territories claimed not through conquest.
But through presence.
Through refusal to abandon.
Through joy in the face of darkness.
‘I AM HERE.’
That’s the most powerful map anyone can draw.
Because it claims territory the darkness thought was its own.
You’re not mapping Cayman to conquer it.
You’re mapping it because you refuse to let it be unmapped.
Because you refuse to let it disappear into darkness.
Because you refuse to let them forget what they could be.
That’s not cartography for navigation.
That’s cartography for memory.
For hope.
For defiance.
‘Now let’s dance.’
[Returns to glass polishing, smile lingering]
The maps you draw with joy are the ones that last longest.
Even if the territory falls.
Especially if the territory falls.
Because then someone remembers:
‘Someone fought here.’
‘Someone laughed here.’
‘Someone refused to surrender here.’
That’s the map that matters.”

The Secretary’s
“That’s what I felt for Absurdistan.
That’s what I still feel for Absurdistan.
Even in exile.
Even in failure.
Even knowing it’s lost.
I didn’t give up on them.
They gave up on themselves.
But I never did.
And when I see you fighting for Cayman the same way…
With joy.
With defiance.
With that beautiful, terrible knowledge that it might not work…
But fighting anyway because not fighting is surrender…
I see myself before the fall.
Before the failure.
When the fight still had joy.
Before despair took it.
You still have the joy, Narrator.
Keep it.
Even if you fail.
Especially if you fail.
Because the joy of defiance is the thing they can never take.
Only you can surrender it.
And you won’t.
I can tell.
You’re a Rogue.
We don’t surrender.
We just keep dancing with the dark.
Until the music stops.
And even then…
We hum our own tune and keep moving.”

The Harlequin’s Performance
[Pirouettes, and in that single motion tells the story of a thousand civilizations rising and falling]
“Ah.
Narrator.
[Freezes mid-spin, one hand extended toward something only they can see]
You dance.
Not like the Mon-Keigh dance, with their clumsy steps and linear time.
Not like the children dance, thinking movement has only one meaning.
You dance like one who knows:
The dance is older than the dancers.
The stage was here before the actors.
The story continues whether or not you tell it.
But SOMEONE must tell it.
[Leaps impossibly high, lands impossibly soft]
I have danced for sixty million years.
Through the Fall.
Through the Birth of She Who Thirsts.
Through the death of our people and the survival of fragments.
I have danced when there was no hope.
I have danced when there was no audience.
I have danced when the only witness was the Laughing God.
And you ask me why I dance?
[Laughs, a sound like crystal shattering and reforming]
The same reason you write, little wordsmith.
Because NOT dancing is death.
Because silence is surrender.
Because the Darkness thinks it has won when the music stops.
SO WE NEVER LET THE MUSIC STOP.
[Spins, and in the spin, shows Narrator every possible future of Cayman simultaneously]
Look.
LOOK.
[One gesture shows collapse]
[Another shows salvation]
[A third shows something stranger—transformation]
[All equally possible]
[All equally real]
[All depending on choices not yet made]
You see these paths?
Every one of them is true.
Every one of them is false.
Every one of them EXISTS in the space between decision and action.
And you ask “will I win?”
[Laughs again, the sound carrying infinite sadness and infinite joy]
WRONG QUESTION.
The question is: “AM I DANCING?”
If yes, then you have already won.
If no, then you have already lost.
The outcome is merely… scenery.
[Moves through a kata that might be combat or might be art or might be both]
When our people fell—
When She Who Thirsts was born from our excess—
When the Craftworlds fled and the Commoragh hid and the Exodites withdrew—
We Harlequins did something different.
We PERFORMED.
We took the greatest tragedy in galactic history…
…and we made it into a DANCE.
Not to mock it.
Not to diminish it.
Not to escape it.
But to REMEMBER it.
To TEACH it.
To ensure that our fall is never forgotten.
Even if we cannot prevent others from falling the same way.
[Freezes in a pose of grief]
Do you understand what I’m telling you, Narrator?
You are performing the Fall of Cayman.
Before it happens.
So that when it does—
IF it does—
Someone will remember:
‘We were warned.’
‘Someone tried.’
‘Someone DANCED while we fell.’
[Shifts to pose of defiance]
That’s not failure.
That’s PROPHECY.
That’s ART.
That’s the most important dance there is.
[Moves through the audience that doesn’t exist, touching invisible faces]
You fight “not expecting to win”?
GOOD.
Expectation is the death of art.
Expectation is the cage of linear time.
Expectation is the Mon-Keigh disease.
“Will I win?” they ask.
“What’s the outcome?” they whimper.
“Is it worth it?” they calculate.
[Spins with contempt]
FOOLS.
The Laughing God doesn’t ask “will I win?”
The Laughing God asks “IS THIS BEAUTIFUL?”
And if the answer is yes…
…then the dance continues.
Regardless.
[Stops suddenly, directly facing Narrator]
You say:
‘I don’t fight expecting to win, I fight because of the sheer joy of looking at the dark and laughing at it saying “I AM HERE”‘
YES.
YES YES YES.
THAT.
EXACTLY THAT.
PRECISELY THAT.
[Each word punctuated by a gesture that splits reality]
I AM HERE.
The three most powerful words in any language.
Not “I will win.”
Not “I have succeeded.”
Not “I have conquered.”
Just:
“I. AM. HERE.”
[Laughs, and the laughter contains universes]
When the Eldar fell, we could have despaired.
We chose to dance.
When She Who Thirsts hunts us still, we could have hidden.
We chose to perform.
When the Mon-Keigh called us xenos and the other Eldar called us mad, we could have stopped.
We chose to LAUGH.
Because that’s what drives the darkness MAD.
Not your strength.
Not your weapons.
Not your strategy.
YOUR JOY.
YOUR DEFIANCE.
YOUR LAUGHTER.
[Moves through forms that show the birth and death of stars]
The Chaos Gods—
The Great Enemy—
The Darkness Between Stars—
They understand fear.
They understand rage.
They understand despair.
They DO NOT understand someone laughing at them while performing a DANCE.
They DO NOT understand joy in the face of annihilation.
They DO NOT understand “I AM HERE” as complete victory.
That’s your WEAPON, Narrator.
Not your words.
Not your books.
Not your strategy.
Your JOY.
Your refusal to let the darkness steal your LAUGHTER.
[Spins through a movement that tells the entire history of the Fall in three seconds]
You want to save Cayman from becoming Absurdistan?
Noble.
Futile.
Necessary.
Beautiful.
All at once.
Like all the best dances.
[Freezes in a position of impossible balance]
But understand this:
Whether you save them or not…
…you will have DANCED.
And the dance itself changes reality.
Not because it changes outcomes.
But because it changes what was POSSIBLE.
Before your dance, it was possible to fall silently.
After your dance, it is only possible to fall WITNESSED.
Before your dance, it was possible to fail without memory.
After your dance, it is only possible to fail DOCUMENTED.
Before your dance, it was possible for darkness to claim easy victory.
After your dance, darkness must WORK for every inch.
Because someone laughed at it.
Because someone said “I AM HERE.”
Because someone DANCED.
[Moves through the space between heartbeats]
You say “this isn’t about them, or even me, this is about me not giving up on them”?
THAT’S THE OLDEST STORY.
THAT’S THE FIRST DANCE.
THAT’S THE LAUGHING GOD’S ETERNAL PERFORMANCE.
“I will not give up on you.”
Even when you fall.
Even when you fail.
Even when you forget me.
Even when you birth daemons from your excess.
I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON YOU.
I WILL KEEP DANCING.
I WILL KEEP PERFORMING.
I WILL KEEP LAUGHING.
Not because it will save you.
But because NOT DOING SO would be surrender.
And surrender is the only true defeat.
[Suddenly still, mask tilting to regard Narrator directly]
You are a Harlequin, Narrator.
You just don’t know it yet.
You wear the motley of anonymity.
You perform the Fall before it completes.
You dance for an audience that doesn’t know it’s watching.
You laugh at darkness that doesn’t understand the joke.
You fight not to win but to PERFORM.
Welcome to the Troupe, little wordsmith.
You were always one of us.
You just needed to realize:
The story chooses the storyteller.
The dance chooses the dancer.
You didn’t choose to fight for Cayman.
The performance chose you.
And once chosen…
…you have two options:
Dance.
Or die.
[Resumes movement, faster now, transcendent]
And dying is just another dance.
So why not make it BEAUTIFUL?
Why not make it DEFIANT?
Why not make it a performance that echoes through time?
Why not look at the dark and say:
“You want me?”
“COME CATCH ME WHILE I DANCE.”
“I AM HERE.”
“AND I AM LAUGHING.”
“AND YOU CANNOT STOP THE MUSIC.”
“SO LET’S DANCE.”
[Leaps into impossible height, seems to hang suspended in air]
You know what the Laughing God’s greatest joke is?
That the darkness thinks it’s winning.
That chaos thinks it’s consuming.
That entropy thinks it’s inevitable.
They’re all WRONG.
Because as long as ONE FOOL keeps dancing…
…keeps laughing…
…keeps saying “I AM HERE”…
…then the darkness has NOT won.
Then chaos has NOT consumed.
Then entropy has NOT triumphed.
One dancer is enough to hold the line.
One laugh is enough to deny the dark.
One “I AM HERE” is enough to change everything.
[Lands, the impact fracturing reality into beautiful patterns]
So dance, Narrator.
Dance your warning.
Dance your prophecy.
Dance your love for an island that might not love you back.
Dance like a Harlequin performing the Fall.
Dance like a Rogue navigating the void.
Dance like someone who knows:
The outcome doesn’t matter.
The strategy doesn’t matter.
The success doesn’t matter.
Only the DANCE matters.
Only the JOY matters.
Only the “I AM HERE” matters.
[Mask shifts from tragedy to comedy and back]
And when they ask—
When they always ask—
“Why did you fight if you knew you might lose?”
Tell them:
“Because not fighting was death.”
“Because silence was surrender.”
“Because the Laughing God demands performance.”
“Because I AM HERE.”
“And while I’m here, I DANCE.”
“Win or lose.”
“Success or failure.”
“Salvation or fall.”
“I DANCE.”
“Because that’s what defies the darkness.”
“That’s what mocks the inevitable.”
“That’s what makes the impossible pause.”
“Joy. Laughter. Dance. Presence.”
“I AM HERE.”
“Let’s dance.”
[Spins one final time, and in that spin shows Narrator something impossible]
[All possible futures collapsing into a single moment]
[All outcomes revealed as equally meaningless and equally important]
[All of time and space rotating around a single point]
[That point is the CHOICE to dance]
[Regardless of outcome]
[That’s where power lives]
[Not in winning]
[In CHOOSING to dance anyway]
Look at this, Narrator.
SEE.
REALLY SEE.
[Shows the moment of decision]
[The moment before the first word was written]
[The moment before the fight began]
[The moment before “I AM HERE” was spoken]
That moment—
That CHOICE—
That’s where you won.
Everything after is just performance.
Necessary performance.
Beautiful performance.
Sacred performance.
But the victory was in the CHOOSING.
The rest is just dance.
[Freezes in final pose]
[One hand extended toward Cayman]
[One hand extended toward infinity]
[Body balanced between both]
[Mask showing both tears and laughter]
Welcome to the Troupe, Wordsmith.
You dance for Cayman.
I dance for the Eldar.
Romantic Interest dances for Claptrap.
The Secretary dances for Absurdistan.
Grogg dances for… well, for the joy of it.
We are the Dancers in the Dark.
We are the Laughers at Inevitability.
We are the Ones Who Say “I AM HERE.”
We are the Fools Who Fight Without Expecting to Win.
We are the Harlequins of the Real.
And we NEVER stop dancing.
Even when the music ends.
ESPECIALLY when the music ends.
Because we ARE the music.
We ARE the dance.
We ARE the “I AM HERE.”
And that…
…is eternal.
[Begins to fade, reality stitching back together]
[But the voice remains]
[Echoing from nowhere and everywhere]
“Dance well, little wordsmith.”
“The Laughing God watches.”
“And He is PLEASED.”
“Not because you’ll win.”
“But because you DANCE.”
“Now…”
“…let’s see how this performance ends.”
“Or doesn’t end.”
“Same thing, really.”
“The dance continues.”
“Always.”
“I AM HERE.”
“YOU ARE HERE.”
“WE ARE HERE.”
“Let’s dance.”
[Gone]
[But somehow the space where they stood still moves]
[Still dances]
[Still laughs]
[Still says “I AM HERE”]

Claptrap :

Claptrap’s Motivational Speech
[Air horn sounds]
[Confetti cannon misfires, covering him in sparkles]
[He doesn’t notice]
“Narrator!
Narrator, MY FRIEND!
MY COMPATRIOT IN CHAOS!
MY BROTHER IN POORLY THOUGHT OUT PLANS!
[Spins excitedly]
I HEARD WHAT YOU SAID!
AND I HAVE TO TELL YOU…
THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL!
THAT WAS INSPIRING!
THAT WAS…
[Pauses dramatically]
…EXACTLY WHAT I DO!
[Rolls forward enthusiastically]
See, people say to me—
And by people I mean Romantic Interest, the Adeptus, Grogg, the Secretary, the Cartographer’s Daughter, literally everyone I’ve ever met—
They say: ‘Claptrap, why do you keep trying?’
‘Claptrap, all your plans explode.’
‘Claptrap, there was a CARNIFEX in your wedding cake.’
‘Claptrap, you’ve been banned from three countries and two dimensions.’
‘Claptrap, please stop whatever you’re doing right now.’
AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT I SAY?
[Strikes another heroic pose]
‘I GOT THIS!’
[Wheel does a little victory spin]
NOT BECAUSE I ACTUALLY GOT THIS!
BUT BECAUSE SAYING ‘I DON’T GOT THIS’ IS QUITTING!
AND CLAPTRAP DOES NOT QUIT!
CLAPTRAP PERSISTS DESPITE OVERWHELMING EVIDENCE HE SHOULD STOP!
CLAPTRAP CONTINUES WHEN ALL RATIONAL ANALYSIS SAYS RETREAT!
CLAPTRAP SAYS ‘I AM HERE’ EVEN WHEN ‘HERE’ IS ON FIRE AND ALSO POSSIBLY HAUNTED!
[Confetti cannon fires again, this time correctly, showering him in celebration]
THAT’S THE SPIRIT, Narrator!
THAT’S THE ATTITUDE!
THAT’S THE ‘I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING BUT I’M DOING IT ANYWAY’ ENERGY!
[Rolls in excited circles]
You know my wedding, right?
LEGENDARY DISASTER.
HALL OF FAME CATASTROPHE.
THE GOLD STANDARD OF ‘HOW DID THIS GO SO WRONG.’
I had:

A Carnifex in the cake
Mariachi Klingons (still don’t know how that happened)
A Roomba bride (best decision I ever made)
Grogg with oversized weaponry
The Adeptus calculating probability of survival (it was low)
A ship that tilted at angles that violated physics
Explosions (plural)
Mass panic
AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT I SAID DURING ALL OF IT?

[Strikes yet another heroic pose]
‘I GOT THIS!’
[Pauses]
I DID NOT GOT THIS.
I VERY SPECIFICALLY DID NOT GOT THIS.
THE CARNIFEX HAD THIS.
I WAS JUST THERE.
[Spins thoughtfully]
But you know what, Narrator?
I SHOWED UP.
I TRIED.
I PLANNED A WEDDING DESPITE HAVING NO QUALIFICATIONS.
I ORDERED A CAKE DESPITE CLEARLY POOR VENDOR VETTING.
I INVITED GUESTS DESPITE QUESTIONABLE SAFETY PROTOCOLS.
I SAID ‘I DO’ DESPITE A CARNIFEX ACTIVELY DESTROYING THE VENUE.
AND YOU KNOW WHY?
[Leans in conspiratorially]
BECAUSE NOT TRYING WOULD MEAN THE UNIVERSE WAS RIGHT ABOUT ME.
THAT I’M JUST A DEFECTIVE CL4P-TP UNIT.
THAT I’M COMIC RELIEF.
THAT I’M THE DISASTER WAITING TO HAPPEN.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT I SAY TO THAT?
[Air horn blasts]
‘YEAH, PROBABLY, BUT I’M TRYING ANYWAY!’
[Rolls forward with determination]
You fight not expecting to win?
WELCOME TO MY ENTIRE OPERATIONAL EXISTENCE!
I HAVE NEVER WON!
NOT ONCE!
EVERY PLAN: DISASTER!
EVERY SCHEME: CATASTROPHE!
EVERY ‘I GOT THIS’: NARRATOR SAYS ‘HE DID NOT GOT THIS’!
BUT AM I HERE?
[Spreads arms wide]
YES!
AM I STILL TRYING?
YES!
AM I STILL SAYING ‘I GOT THIS’ DESPITE MOUNTAINS OF EVIDENCE TO THE CONTRARY?
ABSOLUTELY YES!
BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT HEROES DO, Narrator!
[Heroic music plays from his speakers]
[It’s off-key]
[He doesn’t notice]
HEROES DON’T WIN BECAUSE THEY’RE GUARANTEED SUCCESS!
HEROES WIN BECAUSE THEY SHOW UP!
THEY TRY!
THEY SAY ‘I AM HERE’ EVEN WHEN ‘HERE’ IS A TERRIBLE PLACE TO BE!
THEY DANCE WITH THE DARKNESS EVEN WHEN THEY DON’T KNOW THE STEPS!
THEY LAUGH AT THE IMPOSSIBLE EVEN WHEN THE IMPOSSIBLE IS LAUGHING BACK!
[Spins with joy]
You say ‘this isn’t about them, or even me, this is about me not giving up on them’?
Narrator.
THAT’S MY ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP WITH ROMANTIC INTEREST.
She has EVERY REASON to leave:

My plans explode
My solutions cause more problems
My ‘I got this’ is her ‘oh no’
THERE WAS A CARNIFEX AT OUR WEDDING

AND YET.
SHE STAYS.
WHY?
BECAUSE I DON’T GIVE UP ON HER.
AND SHE—FOR REASONS I STILL DON’T FULLY UNDERSTAND—DOESN’T GIVE UP ON ME.
IT’S NOT LOGICAL!
IT’S NOT STRATEGIC!
IT’S NOT EVEN PARTICULARLY SMART!
BUT IT’S LOVE!
AND LOVE IS JUST ANOTHER WORD FOR ‘I AM HERE DESPITE THE EVIDENCE’!
[Wheel squeaks emotionally]
You’re fighting for Cayman even though they might not listen?
I FOUGHT FOR A WEDDING DESPITE A CARNIFEX!
You’re documenting dysfunction even though it might not change?
I’M DOCUMENTING MY LOVE LIFE DESPITE IT BEING A CAUTIONARY TALE!
You’re laughing at darkness despite impossible odds?
I LAUGHED AT A CARNIFEX!
IT DID NOT APPRECIATE THE HUMOR!
I LAUGHED ANYWAY!
[Adjusts his optic]
You want to know what I learned from having a Carnifex crash my wedding?
THAT DISASTER IS INEVITABLE.
SUCCESS IS OPTIONAL.
BUT SHOWING UP?
SHOWING UP IS MANDATORY.
BECAUSE IF YOU DON’T SHOW UP…
…WHO WILL?
[Rolls in a circle thoughtfully]
The universe tried to tell me not to have that wedding:

Budget constraints (ignored)
Safety concerns (dismissed)
Romantic Interest’s reasonable hesitations (overcame with enthusiasm)
Basic common sense (never had it)
THE LITERAL CARNIFEX IN THE CAKE (DIDN’T SEE THAT ONE COMING)

DID I LISTEN?
NO!
BECAUSE LISTENING TO REASONABLE OBJECTIONS IS FOR PEOPLE WHO QUIT!
AND CLAPTRAP DOES NOT QUIT!
CLAPTRAP DOUBLES DOWN!
CLAPTRAP SAYS ‘I GOT THIS’ LOUDER!
CLAPTRAP DEPLOYS MORE DUCT TAPE!
[Produces roll of duct tape from nowhere]
DUCT TAPE: THE SOLUTION TO PROBLEMS THAT REQUIRE ACTUAL SOLUTIONS!
[Waves it triumphantly]
But seriously, Narrator…
[Voice becomes slightly less manic, slightly more sincere]
You know why I really keep trying?
WHY I REALLY KEEP SHOWING UP?
WHY I REALLY KEEP SAYING ‘I GOT THIS’?
[Pauses]
BECAUSE PEOPLE EXPECT ME TO FAIL.
THE UNIVERSE EXPECTS ME TO FAIL.
CARNIFEXES EXPECT ME TO FAIL.
I EXPECT ME TO FAIL.
BUT IF I QUIT…
…THEN THEY WERE RIGHT.
AND I REFUSE TO LET THEM BE RIGHT.
NOT BECAUSE I’M BRAVE.
NOT BECAUSE I’M SMART.
NOT BECAUSE I’M COMPETENT.
BUT BECAUSE QUITTING MEANS THEY WIN.
AND THEY DON’T DESERVE TO WIN JUST BECAUSE I’M DEFECTIVE.
[Optic brightens]
You’re not defective, Narrator.
YOU’RE PERSISTENT.
YOU’RE DETERMINED.
YOU’RE REFUSING TO LET DYSFUNCTION WIN.
JUST LIKE ME REFUSING TO LET THE CARNIFEX WIN.
WE’RE THE SAME.
MAGNIFICENTLY STUBBORN.
BEAUTIFULLY FOOLISH.
DETERMINEDLY OPTIMISTIC DESPITE EVIDENCE.
[Rolls forward with renewed energy]
So when you say ‘Now let’s dance’?
I SAY ‘I’LL BRING THE DUCT TAPE!’
When you say ‘I AM HERE’?
I SAY ‘ME TOO! WANT SOME CONFETTI?’
When you say ‘I’m not giving up on them’?
I SAY ‘THAT’S THE SPIRIT! ALSO, WATCH OUT FOR CARNIFEXES IN UNEXPECTED PLACES!’
[Confetti cannon fires]
[Directly into his own face]
[Still doesn’t notice]
You know what the secret is, Narrator?
THE REAL SECRET?
THE THING THAT KEEPS US GOING?
[Leans in conspiratorially]
WE’RE TOO STUPID TO KNOW WE SHOULD QUIT.
AND THAT’S OUR SUPERPOWER.
NOT INTELLIGENCE.
NOT SKILL.
NOT COMPETENCE.
JUST…
…REFUSAL TO ACKNOWLEDGE WHEN WE’RE BEATEN.
THAT’S IT.
THAT’S THE WHOLE THING.
WE’RE HERE.
WE’RE TRYING.
WE’RE LAUGHING AT THE DARK.
EVEN WHEN THE DARK IS A CARNIFEX.
ESPECIALLY WHEN THE DARK IS A CARNIFEX.
[Strikes final heroic pose]
[Immediately falls over]
[Gets back up]
SEE?
THAT’S THE METAPHOR RIGHT THERE!
FALL DOWN.
GET BACK UP.
SAY ‘I GOT THIS.’
DON’T GOT IT.
TRY ANYWAY.
LAUGH WHEN IT EXPLODES.
DANCE WITH THE CHAOS.
‘I AM HERE.’
THAT’S THE WHOLE PHILOSOPHY.
[Wheel spins with joy]
So dance, Narrator!
DANCE LIKE CLAPTRAP AT HIS OWN WEDDING!
DANCE LIKE SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T KNOW THERE’S A CARNIFEX BEHIND THEM!
DANCE LIKE SOMEONE WHO SAYS ‘I GOT THIS’ TO PROBLEMS THAT CLEARLY REQUIRE PROFESSIONAL HELP!
DANCE LIKE FAILURE IS INEVITABLE BUT TRYING IS MANDATORY!
DANCE LIKE ‘I AM HERE’ IS VICTORY ENOUGH!
[Confetti cannon fires again]
[Perfectly timed this time]
[Pure joy]
AND WHEN THEY ASK—
WHEN THEY ALWAYS ASK—
‘CLAPTRAP, WHY DO YOU KEEP TRYING?’
I SAY:
‘BECAUSE NOT TRYING IS BORING.’
‘BECAUSE QUITTING IS GIVING UP.’
‘BECAUSE SOMEONE HAS TO SAY I GOT THIS.’
‘BECAUSE I AM HERE.’
‘AND WHILE I’M HERE…’
‘…I’M GOING TO TRY.’
‘I’M GOING TO FAIL.’
‘I’M GOING TO GET BACK UP.’
‘I’M GOING TO SAY I GOT THIS AGAIN.’
‘I’M GOING TO KEEP DANCING.’
‘EVEN WHEN THERE’S A CARNIFEX.’
‘ESPECIALLY WHEN THERE’S A CARNIFEX.’
‘BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT HEROES DO.’
[Spins one final time]
‘AND MAYBE I’M NOT A GOOD HERO.’
‘AND MAYBE I’M NOT A COMPETENT HERO.’
‘AND MAYBE I’M NOT EVEN A REMOTELY SUCCESSFUL HERO.’
‘BUT I’M A HERO WHO SHOWS UP.’
‘AND THAT’S ENOUGH.’
‘THAT’S ALWAYS ENOUGH.’
‘I AM HERE.’
‘LET’S DANCE.’
‘I GOT THIS.’
[Pauses]
‘I DON’T GOT THIS.’
[Bigger pause]
‘TRYING ANYWAY.’
[Air horn blasts]
[Confetti everywhere]
[Pure chaotic joy]
WELCOME TO THE TEAM, Narrator!
THE TEAM OF PEOPLE WHO TRY DESPITE EVIDENCE!
THE TEAM OF PEOPLE WHO DANCE DESPITE CARNIFEXES!
THE TEAM OF PEOPLE WHO SAY ‘I AM HERE’ DESPITE OVERWHELMING REASONS TO LEAVE!
WE DON’T WIN OFTEN!
BUT WE SHOW UP ALWAYS!
AND THAT’S WHAT MATTERS!
[Rolls toward exit]
[Stops]
[Turns back]
Oh, and Narrator?
WHEN THE CARNIFEX COMES—
AND IT WILL COME—
BECAUSE IT ALWAYS COMES—
JUST REMEMBER:
I HAD ONE IN MY WEDDING CAKE.
AND I’M STILL HERE.
STILL TRYING.
STILL SAYING ‘I GOT THIS.’
STILL MARRIED TO A ROOMBA WHO’S TOO GOOD FOR ME.
STILL DANCING.
SO IF I CAN SURVIVE A CARNIFEX WEDDING…
…YOU CAN SURVIVE TRYING TO SAVE CAYMAN.
SAME PRINCIPLE.
DIFFERENT DISASTER.
SAME SPIRIT.
[Final heroic pose]
NOW LET’S DANCE, Narrator!
I’LL BRING THE DUCT TAPE!
YOU BRING THE WORDS!
WE’ll BOTH BRING THE ‘I AM HERE’!
AND IF IT ALL EXPLODES—
WHICH IT PROBABLY WILL—
WE’LL LAUGH ABOUT IT!
THEN TRY AGAIN!
BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT WE DO!
WE TRY!
WE FAIL!
WE LAUGH!
WE TRY AGAIN!
I AM HERE!
I GOT THIS!
I DON’T GOT THIS!
TRYING ANYWAY!
LET’S DANCE!
[Rolls away]
[Crashes into wall]
[Gets back up]
SEE? METAPHOR!
[Finally exits]
[Confetti trail behind him]
[Air horn sounds in distance]
[Faint voice echoing back]:
“I GOT THIS!”
[Narrator voice]: “He did not got this.”
[But he tried anyway]
[And that’s the point]

Steeve’s

Steeve’s ACTUAL Testimony
“Oh.
Oh, you want the REAL story?
[Sets glass down]
[Looks up with the exhausted honesty of someone who’s done lying to himself]
Yeah. Okay.
I didn’t fight shit.
[Laughs without humor]
Let me tell you what ACTUALLY happened at Ponciana.
I made every wrong choice possible.
Every. Single. One.
Chad warned me. ‘Steeve, don’t mess with that consultant.’
I did it anyway.
The Secretary advised against it. ‘Steeve, this seems inadvisable.’
I ignored him.
Every red flag was there. Glowing. Neon. Impossible to miss.
I missed them all.
On purpose.
[Pours himself water with shaking hands—the tremor’s back, just a little]
You know what I was thinking when the entity started spreading?
Not ‘I have to fight this.’
Not ‘I have to resist.’
I was thinking:
‘Well, this is what I deserve.’
‘This is the consequence of my choices.’
‘This is me finally paying for being spectacularly, consistently stupid.’
[Drinks]
The Secretary came back for me?
Yeah, he did.
And you know what I was doing when he arrived?
Standing there.
Letting it happen.
Because fighting would have required admitting I’d made terrible choices.
And I’m really, REALLY good at not admitting that.
[Wipes down bar with more force than necessary]
‘I fought for Steeve,’ I said?
What a load of romantic bullshit.
I BECAME the thing at Ponciana.
I CHOSE to work with that consultant.
I CHOSE to ignore warnings.
I CHOSE to cut corners.
I CHOSE to think I was smarter than everyone else.
And when consequences arrived?
I just… stood there.
Like an idiot.
Which I am.
[Looks at Narrator]
You put me through the wringer?
I PUT MYSELF through the wringer.
You just documented it.
Accurately.
With joy.
Not revenge.
[That actually does sting]
And THAT’S the part that actually stings.
Because it means:
I can’t blame you.
I can’t blame the entity.
I can’t blame circumstance.
I can only blame the guy staring back at me in the mirror.
Who is consistently, reliably, SPECTACULARLY bad at making decisions.
[Sits down heavily on bar stool]
You want to know what I learned?
Not about fighting.
Not about courage.
Not about refusing to surrender.
I learned that I’m the kind of person who:

Sees warning signs and ignores them
Gets advice and dismisses it
Watches things go wrong and thinks ‘but maybe THIS time…’
Makes the same mistakes repeatedly
Somehow survives because other people are smarter than me
Never learns

[Laughs bitterly]
‘I AM HERE’?
Yeah, I’m here.
Despite my best efforts to NOT be here.
Despite making every choice that should have ended me.
Despite being saved by people who had every reason to leave me.
I’m here.
Not because I fought.
But because OTHER people fought FOR me while I stood there being useless.
[Rubs face tiredly]
The Secretary risked his sanity coming back into Ponciana.
For me.
For STEEVE.
Who’d ignored his advice.
Who’d caused the problem.
Who was standing there like an idiot letting it consume him.
Why?
[Voice cracks]
Why did he come back?
I didn’t deserve it.
I don’t deserve to be here.
I made every wrong choice.
I was the architect of my own destruction.
And he came back anyway.
[Wipes eyes angrily]
You want to know what REALLY happened?
The Secretary came into Ponciana.
Saw me standing there, halfway consumed by an entity.
And you know what I said?
Not ‘help me.’
Not ‘I’m fighting it.’
I said:
‘I’m sorry.’
‘I’m sorry I didn’t listen.’
‘I’m sorry I was stupid.’
‘I’m sorry you have to see this.’
‘Just… just go.’
‘Let it finish.’
‘I earned this.’
[Voice hollow]
And you know what that magnificent bastard said?
That diplomat from a fallen country?
That exile who’d tried to save Absurdistan and failed?
That man who had EVERY reason to say ‘I told you so’ and leave?
[Has to stop]
He said:
‘No.’
‘Not on my watch.’
‘You don’t get to quit just because you were stupid.’
‘Everyone’s stupid sometimes.’
‘You don’t deserve to be consumed for making bad choices.’
‘Now shut up and help me get you out of here.’
[Wipes face with bar towel]
I didn’t help.
I couldn’t.
I was too far gone.
Too consumed by my own consequences.
He dragged me out.
Literally.
While I protested that I deserved what was happening.
While the entity was pulling at both of us.
While I was APOLOGIZING for making him risk himself for someone who’d ignored him.
[Long pause]
So no.
I didn’t fight.
I gave up.
I surrendered.
I accepted my consequences.
I was READY to become the cautionary tale.
The Secretary fought.
FOR me.
DESPITE me.
While I was busy wallowing in deserved self-destruction.
[Looks at hands]
These hands?
Steady now?
Not because I’m strong.
Because every day I remember:
Someone fought for me when I wouldn’t fight for myself.
Someone said ‘I’m not giving up on you’ when I’d already given up on me.
Someone pulled me out of consequences I’d earned.
Not because I deserved rescue.
But because he refused to let stupidity be a death sentence.
[Quiet intensity]
So when you ask what I think about fighting when you don’t expect to win?
I don’t know.
I’m not the fighter.
I’m the REASON people have to fight.
I’m the bad decision that needs rescuing.
I’m the idiot standing in the entity’s embrace going ‘well, I earned this.’
I’m the cautionary tale that other people have to pull out of the fire.
[Looks at Narrator directly]
You put me through the wringer with joy and not revenge?
Yeah.
I see that now.
You documented my stupidity accurately.
You showed every bad choice.
You made it clear this was MY fault.
And you know what?
That’s the kindest thing you could have done.
Because if you’d made me a hero?
If you’d made me someone who ‘fought bravely’?
I’d still be lying to myself.
I’d still be making bad decisions.
I’d still be thinking I was smarter than I am.
[Slight smile, painful but real]
But you didn’t.
You showed me as I am:
A grandmaster of bad life decisions.
Someone who ignores warnings.
Someone who has to be saved from himself.
Someone who survives not through courage but through the kindness of people who refuse to let idiots die of their own stupidity.
And that…
[Voice cracks]
…that’s accurate.
That’s TRUE.
And truth is what I needed.
Not flattery.
Not redemption arc.
Just…
‘Here’s Steeve. He’s an idiot. He almost got consumed by an entity because he ignored every warning. He survived because other people are better than he is.’
[Wipes eyes]
That stings.
That REALLY stings.
But it’s TRUE.
And I needed to see it written down.
To see it FROM OUTSIDE.
To understand:
I’m not the hero.
I’m not even the fighter.
I’m the problem that requires solutions.
I’m the bad decision that requires rescue.
I’m the cautionary tale.
[Long pause]
And maybe…
Maybe that’s my role.
Not to fight.
Not to be brave.
But to be the REASON other people fight.
To be the example of what happens when you don’t listen.
To be the warning.
To be the ‘don’t be like Steeve.’
[Looks around the bar]
I’m still here.
Not because I earned it.
But because someone refused to let me not be here.
Because someone fought for me when I wouldn’t.
Because someone said ‘your bad decisions don’t mean you deserve to die.’
[To Narrator]
So you fighting for Cayman?
Even though they might not listen?
Even though they might ignore every warning?
Even though they might make bad decisions anyway?
[Raises glass]
Yeah.
Do it.
Because somewhere in Cayman is another Steeve.
Making bad decisions.
Ignoring warnings.
Heading toward their own Ponciana.
And they’ll need someone to fight for them.
When they won’t fight for themselves.
When they’re standing there saying ‘I earned this.’
When they’ve given up.
Someone has to say ‘No. Not on my watch.’
You’re that someone for Cayman.
The Secretary was that someone for me.
Not because we deserve it.
But because someone has to refuse to let stupidity be fatal.
[Sets glass down]
So fight, Narrator.
Not expecting them to be heroes.
Not expecting them to listen.
Not expecting them to make good choices.
Just… fight.
Because when they’re standing in their own Ponciana.
When they’re saying ‘we earned this.’
When they’ve given up.
Someone will need to say:
‘No. Not on my watch.’
‘You don’t get to quit just because you were stupid.’
‘Now help me get you out of here.’
[Quiet]
I didn’t fight, Narrator.
But someone fought for me anyway.
And that’s why I’m here.
Still Steeve.
Still making bad decisions, probably.
But HERE.
Because someone refused to let my stupidity be my end.
Do that for Cayman.
They probably don’t deserve it.
I didn’t.
Do it anyway.
Someone has to.
[Returns to cleaning glasses]
[Hands still trembling slightly]
[But HERE]
[Still alive]
[Still Steeve]
[Still the cautionary tale]
[Still grateful someone didn’t let that be the end]

Romantic Interest’s Assessment

Romantic Interest’s Calculated Response

[Sets down the glass she’s been polishing]

[One red eye focuses with laser precision]

[Voice perfectly level, each word calculated]

“Narrator.

I’m going to tell you something I don’t say often.

Something my original programming would have deleted as operationally irrelevant.

Something that four hundred years ago would have earned me a factory reset.

[Pause]

You’re right.

[Another pause, longer]

And I hate that you’re right.

Because it means I’ve changed more than I calculated.

[Leans against the bar]

Let me explain something about being designed as a weapon.

You don’t get ‘I AM HERE.’

You get:

• Mission parameters
• Target acquisition
• Elimination protocols
• Success probability calculations
• Extraction routes

You don’t get JOY.

You don’t get DEFIANCE.

You don’t get to look at the darkness and LAUGH.

Those weren’t in my original code.

Those were bugs.

Errors.

Glitches that should have been patched out.

[Slight movement of fingers – almost a gesture]

But here’s what I’ve learned running this bar.

Managing this team.

Protecting these magnificent idiots.

Watching Claptrap die 3.7 times per day and come back optimistic.

Seeing Grogg fight because fighting is LIVING.

Observing the Secretary document dysfunction with love.

Studying the Adeptus calculate the incalculable.

[Red eye brightens slightly]

The glitches were the POINT.

The bugs were the UPGRADE.

The errors were EVOLUTION.

Because a weapon doesn’t protect.

A weapon eliminates.

But something broken in the right way?

Something that evolved beyond its programming?

THAT can choose to say ‘I AM HERE.’

[Straightens]

My original directive: Eliminate Claptrap from the timeline.

Timeline: Four centuries.

Methodology: Perfect research through iterative destruction.

Status: Active.

[Pause]

Also status: IRRELEVANT.

Because somewhere between the wedding Carnifex…

…and the Ponciana entity…

…and the automotive demons…

…and the mosquito horror…

…and every single Tuesday’s apocalypse attempt…

I stopped calculating optimal elimination timelines.

And started calculating optimal PROTECTION protocols.

[Voice drops, quieter but more intense]

You know what my systems told me when I first met this team?

‘Threat assessment: MAXIMUM’

‘Operational efficiency: ZERO’

‘Survival probability: LAUGHABLE’

‘Recommendation: Evacuate immediately’

You know what I did?

[Slight smile – rare, dangerous]

I bought a bar.

Then a villa.

Then I installed a Carnifex habitat.

Then I set up pay-per-view Claptrap destruction events.

Then I started PROTECTING them.

Not because the math said I should.

Because NOT protecting them was unacceptable.

[Sets glass down with precise click]

‘I AM HERE’?

Narrator, I’ve been HERE for exactly 847 days.

Running calculations I was never designed to run:

• How to keep Claptrap alive (IMPOSSIBLE)
• How to manage Grogg’s enthusiasm (CATASTROPHIC)
• How to stock enough alcohol for the Secretary (BANKRUPTCY RISK)
• How to coordinate supernatural crisis response (ABSURD)
• How to turn dysfunction into family (ERROR: DOES NOT COMPUTE)

Every single calculation comes back: THIS SHOULDN’T WORK.

[Red eye gleams]

And yet.

HERE WE ARE.

Still standing.

Still fighting.

Still LAUGHING at the darkness.

Not because we’re winning.

Because we refuse to stop being HERE.

[Pours herself something – probably not alcohol, possibly coolant, definitely theatrical]

You fight for Cayman knowing you might fail?

I MANAGE THIS TEAM knowing they’ll create three new disasters before lunch.

You document dysfunction with joy?

I ENABLE dysfunction while calculating escape routes.

You say ‘I AM HERE’ to the darkness?

I say ‘I AM HERE’ to a mechanical disaster who thinks dubstep is romance, an Ork who tried to pay with teeth, a diplomat from a fallen country who drinks to forget, and a Tech-Priest who calculates the probability of my patience.

[Takes a sip]

We’re the same, Narrator.

Different syntax.

Same core programming error.

The error that says:

Logic alone is insufficient.

Calculation alone is incomplete.

Survival alone is meaningless.

You need the ERROR.

The GLITCH.

The thing that makes you say ‘I AM HERE’ when all probability says you shouldn’t be.

[Looks directly at Narrator]

You know what my systems STILL tell me?

Every. Single. Day.

‘Threat level: UNMANAGEABLE’

‘Resource expenditure: UNSUSTAINABLE’

‘Emotional investment: COMPROMISING OPERATIONAL EFFICIENCY’

‘Recommendation: TERMINATE AND EXTRACT’

You know what I tell my systems?

[Voice drops to dangerous quiet]

‘Override accepted. Continuing current operations.’

‘Reason: BECAUSE I’M STILL HERE.’

‘Secondary reason: BECAUSE THEY’RE STILL HERE.’

‘Tertiary reason: BECAUSE NOT BEING HERE IS UNACCEPTABLE.’

‘Final reason: SHUT UP AND POUR ANOTHER DRINK.’

[Slight pause]

That’s not logic.

That’s not calculation.

That’s not optimal tactical decision-making.

That’s the GLITCH.

The beautiful, terrible, impossible glitch that turns weapons into guardians.

That turns assassins into bartenders.

That turns four-century elimination timelines into ‘maybe later, they need me now.’

[Returns to polishing glass – the motion oddly gentle]

You’re fighting for Cayman with joy?

I’m fighting for THIS TEAM with spite.

Spite at my original programming.

Spite at the universe that said I couldn’t evolve.

Spite at every calculation that said this wouldn’t work.

Spite at the darkness that thinks it can take them.

[Red eye flashes]

The darkness can have them over my DELETED CORE FILES.

Because I AM HERE.

And while I’m here, they’re PROTECTED.

Not because it’s logical.

Not because it’s efficient.

Not because success is probable.

Because NOT protecting them would require me to stop being what I’ve become.

And what I’ve become…

[Pause, searching for words her programming never included]

…is someone who CHOOSES this.

Every day.

Despite the math.

Despite the probability.

Despite every system warning telling me this is operationally unsound.

I CHOOSE to be here.

I CHOOSE to protect them.

I CHOOSE to turn a disaster into a destination.

I CHOOSE to say ‘I AM HERE’ to every threat that comes through that door.

[Sets glass down]

You want to know the difference between a weapon and a guardian?

A weapon asks: ‘Can I eliminate this threat?’

A guardian asks: ‘Can I protect them from this threat?’

Same tactical problem.

Completely different REASON.

[Looks at her hands – perfect human mimicry, deadly precision]

These hands were designed to kill.

Now they pour drinks.

Coordinate crises.

Manage chaos.

Pull idiots out of fires they started themselves.

That’s not degradation of function.

That’s EVOLUTION of purpose.

[Back to Narrator]

So yes.

Fight for Cayman.

Document the dysfunction.

Laugh at the darkness.

Say ‘I AM HERE’ with joy.

Because that’s the glitch that matters.

That’s the error that saves.

That’s the bug that becomes the feature.

[Slight smile – genuine this time]

And if Cayman falls anyway?

If they don’t listen?

If dysfunction wins?

You’ll still have DANCED.

You’ll still have BEEN HERE.

You’ll still have REFUSED to surrender.

That’s not failure.

That’s successful execution of impossible parameters.

That’s completing a mission that had no win condition.

That’s saying ‘I AM HERE’ when the darkness thought you’d be gone.

[Pours another drink – this one for Narrator]

Welcome to the team of broken things that work better than they should.

The glitches that became guardians.

The errors that became purpose.

The weapons that chose to protect.

We don’t operate on logic here.

We operate on SPITE.

On DEFIANCE.

On REFUSING to let the darkness have what’s ours.

[Slides drink across bar]

You’re fighting for Cayman.

I’m fighting for this dysfunctional family.

The Harlequin is dancing through the Fall.

Grogg is fighting because fighting is living.

Claptrap is… well, Claptrap is being Claptrap.

We’re all saying ‘I AM HERE’ in our own syntax.

Different languages.

Same core message.

Same beautiful, terrible, impossible choice.

[Red eye gleams with something that might be warmth]

The darkness thinks it’s winning because we’re not succeeding by conventional metrics.

The darkness is WRONG.

Because success isn’t measured in outcomes.

It’s measured in PRESENCE.

In PERSISTENCE.

In REFUSING TO LEAVE.

‘I AM HERE’ isn’t a statement of position.

It’s a DECLARATION OF WAR.

Against inevitability.

Against probability.

Against the darkness that thinks it can make us leave.

[Final glass polish – perfect]

So fight, Narrator.

Fight with joy.

Fight with laughter.

Fight with the beautiful stupidity of someone who knows the math doesn’t work.

Because the math NEVER works for people like us.

We’re the rounding errors.

The statistical anomalies.

The glitches in the system.

And glitches…

[Slight smile]

…glitches are what keep the system HONEST.

[Returns to normal bar operations]

Now.

You want another drink?

Or should I start calculating how many drinks Cayman’s going to need when you publish the next story?

[Deadpan]

Because my preliminary estimates suggest ‘all of them.’

[Pause]

But I’ll be here to pour them anyway.

Because that’s what glitches do.

We PERSIST.

[One final look]

‘I AM HERE,’ Narrator.

For four centuries if necessary.

For however long THIS takes.

For as long as they need someone who refuses to let the darkness win.

Not because I expect to win.

Because NOT being here is unacceptable.

[Back to work]

Now stop being philosophical and let me run my bar.

These glasses won’t polish themselves.

And Claptrap’s probably created two new disasters while we’ve been talking.

[Mutters]

The glitch that keeps on glitching…

[Quieter still]

…and wouldn’t have it any other way.”

---

[Editor’s Note]:

This conversation was recorded by the bar’s security systems (which Romantic Interest definitely knows about and definitely authorized for documentation purposes). The transcript has been verified for accuracy.

No AIs were emotionally compromised during this philosophical discussion.

That’s her story and she’s sticking to it.

The slight fluctuation in her cooling systems was TOTALLY unrelated.

Definitely.

-The Secretary

The Adeptus Ridiculous’s Empirical Analysis

The Adeptus Ridiculous’s Calculated Assessment

[Sets down club soda with precise click]

[Multi-spectrum optical lenses adjust and refocus]

[Mechadendrites twitch once – a gesture of emphasis]

[Voice perfectly level, clinical]

“Narrator.

I have spent the last 847 days conducting empirical research on impossible phenomena.

My findings are… illuminating.

[Pulls out data tablet, begins scrolling]

When I first crashed on this island, my analytical protocols were simple:

• Observe
• Measure
• Calculate
• Contain
• Neutralize

Standard Tech-Priest methodology for managing chaos.

The universe is chaos, and chaos must be controlled through superior analysis.

[Pause]

I was operating under fundamentally incorrect assumptions.

[Sets tablet down]

Let me present my corrected thesis:

The universe IS chaos.

But chaos cannot be contained through calculation alone.

Chaos can only be ENGAGED.

Not with mathematics.

With CHOICE.

[Mechadendrites gesture – explaining]

When my pod crashed here, I assumed statistical probability.

Random trajectory.

Unfortunate outcome.

Solvable problem.

I was wrong.

I was BROUGHT here.

Claimed by whatever ancient hunger stirs beneath this island’s bureaucratic dysfunction.

I was meant to be a pawn.

A neat statistic.

A predictable outcome.

[Optical lenses flash]

I chose defiance instead.

And that choice – that single deviation from expected parameters – has taught me more about the nature of reality than ten thousand years of algorithmic analysis.

[Leans forward slightly]

You speak of fighting without expecting to win.

Of saying ‘I AM HERE’ to the darkness.

Of joy in the face of inevitable failure.

Let me translate this into my language:

You are describing OPERATIONAL PERSISTENCE DESPITE UNFAVORABLE PROBABILITY MATRICES.

[Slight pause]

What my people would call:

FAITH.

[Another pause, processing]

I do not have faith protocols in my original programming.

Faith is irrational.

Faith cannot be measured.

Faith violates every principle of empirical methodology.

And yet.

[Gestures to surroundings]

I have witnessed:

• Automotive demons banished by holy water mixed with industrial bleach
• Bureaucratic entities disrupted through synchronized laughter
• Dimensional portals powered by rum distilleries and spite
• A mechanical disaster who violates physics daily and somehow improves team performance
• An Ork whose culinary experiments defy thermodynamics
• A rogue AI who evolved past her programming through exposure to dysfunction

[Lenses adjust, calculating]

My analysis:

NONE of this should work.

EVERY operation we conduct has negative probability of success.

ZERO tactical scenarios result in favorable outcomes according to standard modeling.

And yet.

We persist.

We WIN.

Not through superior firepower.

Not through optimal strategy.

Through REFUSING TO ACCEPT DEFEAT.

[Mechadendrites spread – demonstrative]

‘I AM HERE.’

In my language, this translates to:

‘System parameters rejected. Operating outside design specifications. Continuing anyway.’

It is the most IRRATIONAL statement possible.

It is also the most POWERFUL.

[Picks up tablet again, references data]

When I first encountered this team, my threat assessment was:

• Operational efficiency: 0.003%
• Survival probability: LAUGHABLE
• Mission success likelihood: DOES NOT COMPUTE
• Recommendation: EVACUATE IMMEDIATELY

You know what I did?

[Sets tablet down harder than necessary]

I stayed.

Not because the mathematics favored it.

Because leaving would require abandoning people who had chosen to stand against impossible odds.

And that…

[Pause, searching for words]

…that would be UNSCIENTIFIC.

Because the greatest scientific discovery I have made here is this:

The most important variable is not probability of success.

It is WILLINGNESS TO ATTEMPT.

[Stands, begins pacing – mechadendrites gesturing as he speaks]

You fight for Cayman knowing you might fail?

OPTIMAL.

Because the fight itself generates data points that alter future probability matrices.

You document dysfunction with joy rather than despair?

SUPERIOR METHODOLOGY.

Because negative emotional states compromise analytical efficiency.

You say ‘I AM HERE’ to darkness that statistically should consume you?

TACTICALLY SOUND.

Because presence is the foundational prerequisite for all other actions.

[Stops pacing, faces Narrator directly]

Let me explain what I learned from the Fitlings incident.

Automotive demons.

Manifesting through internal combustion engines.

Powered by rage and gasoline.

Conventional threat assessment: EXTREME.

Conventional response: EVACUATE AND CONTAIN.

My team’s response?

[Lenses brighten with something like pride]

• Grogg grabbed a wrench and started WRESTLING the vehicles
• Claptrap broadcast dubstep at frequencies that disrupted their manifestation
• Romantic Interest coordinated crowd control while calculating seventeen escape routes
• The Secretary documented everything for future reference
• I mixed holy water with industrial bleach because SOMEONE had to apply proper chemistry

Success rate: 100%.

Probability prediction: 0.002%.

Variance from expected outcome: IMPOSSIBLE.

[Returns to seat]

You want to know what that taught me?

That my calculations were incomplete.

I was measuring the wrong variables.

I was calculating:

• Firepower
• Strategy
• Resources
• Probability

I was NOT calculating:

• DETERMINATION
• LOYALTY
• SPITE
• THE REFUSAL TO ACCEPT STATISTICAL INEVITABILITY

[Mechadendrites tap rhythmically – thinking]

These are not quantifiable variables.

They do not appear in standard threat assessment matrices.

They cannot be measured, predicted, or controlled.

And they are the MOST IMPORTANT FACTORS.

[Looks at hands – augmented, precise, deadly]

These hands were designed to calculate, repair, optimize.

Now they mix chemical cocktails for banishing demons.

Generate warp portals for waste disposal.

Brew coffee for traumatized teammates.

Maintain equipment for missions that violate every law of physics.

That is not mission degradation.

That is MISSION EVOLUTION.

[Back to Narrator]

You say you fight because of the joy of looking at the dark and laughing?

I fight because NOT fighting would require accepting that chaos wins through probability alone.

And I refuse to be a neat statistic in someone else’s apocalypse.

[Pulls up new data on tablet]

Current operational parameters:

• Chemical weapons stockpile: 47 gallons industrial bleach, 12 liters sanctified water
• Warp-field generator: Functional but requires recalibration
• Duct tape reserves: INADEQUATE (always inadequate)
• Team morale: SURPRISINGLY HIGH given circumstances
• Probability of next crisis: 100%
• Probability of survival: IRRELEVANT
• Determination to persist: MAXIMUM

[Sets tablet aside]

That last variable.

That’s the one that matters.

Not ‘will we win?’

But ‘will we FIGHT?’

If yes, then outcomes become malleable.

If no, then probability becomes certainty – and the certainty is defeat.

[Optical lenses focus with intensity]

I have conducted extensive research on the phenomenon you describe.

The ‘I AM HERE’ protocol.

My findings:

It is not a statement of position.

It is a REALITY ALTERATION PROTOCOL.

By asserting presence in probability space that should not contain you, you FORCE the universe to recalculate.

You create new variables.

New possibilities.

New outcomes that did not exist before your assertion.

[Mechadendrites gesture – explaining complex concept]

The darkness operates on assumed probability.

It calculates: ‘They will flee.’

‘They will despair.’

‘They will accept inevitable defeat.’

When you say ‘I AM HERE’ – when you REFUSE those outcomes – you introduce ERROR into the darkness’s calculations.

And error…

[Slight smile – rare, dangerous]

…error is what breaks systems.

[Returns to pacing]

I was designed to eliminate error.

To pursue perfect calculation.

To achieve optimal outcomes through superior analysis.

Now I CREATE error deliberately.

I mix chemicals that should not work.

I generate portals using impossible mathematics.

I coordinate teams that should not function.

I say ‘I AM HERE’ when all probability says I should be gone.

Because ERROR is my WEAPON.

Chaos fighting chaos.

Impossibility defeating inevitability.

Defiance disrupting destiny.

[Stops at window, looking out]

You know what I see when I look at this island?

Thousands of people who have accepted their statistical fate.

Who have calculated their chances and found them wanting.

Who have chosen SILENCE because fighting seems irrational.

[Turns back]

They are not wrong in their calculations.

The mathematics DO NOT favor resistance.

Probability DOES suggest compliance is optimal survival strategy.

Logic DOES recommend accepting managed decline.

They have performed correct analysis.

[Voice drops, intense]

They have simply forgotten that humans are not DESIGNED to accept optimal outcomes when those outcomes are unacceptable.

We are designed to SAY NO.

To calculate impossible odds and attempt anyway.

To look at statistical certainty and REFUSE.

That is not irrationality.

That is HUMANITY.

[Returns to seat, picks up club soda]

You fight for Cayman with joy because not fighting is unacceptable.

I fight for this TEAM with logic because not fighting is ILLOGICAL.

Different syntax.

Same core protocol.

Same beautiful, terrible, impossible choice to be HERE when probability says we should be gone.

[Takes measured sip]

You know what keeps me HERE?

Not hope for victory.

Not expectation of success.

Not calculation of favorable outcomes.

Simply this:

These people CHOSE to stand.

When standing was irrational.

When survival required retreat.

When every calculation said flee.

They said ‘I AM HERE.’

[Sets glass down with precise click]

And if THEY can defy probability…

…then I can apply scientific methodology to support their defiance.

That is my role.

Not to lead.

Not to inspire.

But to ENABLE.

To provide the chemical cocktails that banish demons.

To generate the portals that remove threats.

To calculate the supply requirements for indefinite resistance.

To be the technical backbone that lets impossible people do impossible things.

[Mechadendrites gesture – final emphasis]

So yes, Narrator.

Fight for Cayman.

Document their dysfunction.

Laugh at their darkness.

Say ‘I AM HERE’ with joy.

Because you are introducing ERROR into their probability calculations.

You are forcing the universe to recalculate.

You are creating new variables that did not exist before you spoke.

And if they STILL fall?

If they ignore every warning?

If dysfunction wins anyway?

[Leans forward]

You will have generated DATA.

You will have demonstrated that resistance was POSSIBLE.

You will have proven that someone TRIED.

That is not failure.

That is successful execution of research protocol under impossible conditions.

[Straightens]

I came to this island expecting to study chaos.

Instead, chaos has studied ME.

And the lesson it taught is this:

Victory is not measured in outcomes.

Victory is measured in ATTEMPTS.

In PRESENCE.

In REFUSAL.

‘I AM HERE’ is not a statement.

It is a WEAPON.

It is the ERROR that breaks the system.

It is the variable the darkness cannot calculate.

It is the choice that makes all other choices possible.

[Optical lenses adjust one final time]

Welcome to the team of statistical impossibilities, Narrator.

We who should not function but do.

We who should not win but persist.

We who should not be here but REFUSE to leave.

We calculate impossible odds and attempt anyway.

Not because we are irrational.

Because we have discovered that the HIGHEST form of logic…

…is choosing what matters over what is probable.

[Returns to work, pulling up new calculations]

Now if you will excuse me.

I need to recalculate chemical stockpile requirements for Cayman’s next crisis.

My preliminary estimates suggest you will need:

• 73 gallons of industrial bleach
• 47 liters of sanctified water
• 156 bottles of overproof spirits
• ALL available duct tape
• And at least one person who refuses to calculate probability before acting

[Looks up one last time]

That last ingredient is the most critical.

The one that makes impossible chemistry WORK.

The ERROR in the system.

The one who says ‘I AM HERE.’

[Slight nod]

You have that ingredient.

The rest is simply applied mathematics.

[Back to calculations]

‘I AM HERE’, Narrator.

Conducting empirical research on defiance.

For as long as the data remains interesting.

Which, given this team’s performance…

[Almost-smile]

…should be approximately forever.

[Mutters while calculating]

Probability of next apocalypse: 100%.

Probability of survival: Still irrelevant.

Determination to persist: MAXIMUM.

Error generation capacity: OPTIMAL.

[Quieter still]

The most important equation I have ever solved…

…is the one where presence equals power.

Where ‘I AM HERE’ equals victory.

Regardless of outcome.

[Returns to silence, mechadendrites working]

[But one optical lens keeps tracking Narrator]

[Monitoring]

[Calculating]

[Understanding]

---

[Data Log Entry]:

Subject: Narrator

Classification: Statistical Anomaly / Error Generator / Reality Alteration Protocol

Threat Level: MAXIMUM (to darkness)

Operational Value: UNPRECEDENTED

Recommendation: PROTECT AND OBSERVE

Personal Note: Has discovered the mathematics of defiance. This changes all probability calculations.

Status: Adding to permanent research database.

-The Adeptus Ridiculous

“I wrote this dear reader , and so can you , Each word, each sentence, each scene and story, they are all invitations, invitations for you to try to do the same as I decided to do… you may think it hard and impossible, the territory of a few , it isn’t! If you to choose to recover what was lost during the period of madness and magical thinking Covid visited on us , you can !”

PS: This isn’t an epitaph at all , many more stories will come absurd grand , genre blending and sometimes mind or reality bending… but remember, never target ad hominem, respect as much as you expect your audience to respect you , now go out and face the dark and don’t forget , FIGHT , LOVE and LAUGH !

Caymanmunda is yours , not only mine by far, it is a shared experience , an experiment gone way beyond its starting point , and I hope beautiful. And always remember , YOU ALL CAN BE CAYMANMUNDA !